I know I haven’t been updating in awhile, but, believe me when I say this - I just don’t seem to have the energy after booking out from camp. This week has been a mind-numbing blur. I just came back from covering duty from this guy who didn’t turn up, on top of completing my own duty the day before. People are ORD-ing all over the place, and I really, really miss some of them. Especially CK and KZ, who are two of the sergeants who were really nice to me. The new sergeants are alright, too, but I guess I need some time to get used to them. I guess it’s strange that they’re like two to three years younger than I am, but somehow come across as stronger and more mature? Some of them seem really, really nice though, so we’ll see how that goes… The doc’s reducing the dose of my medication because she’s worried about my “bipolar” tendencies. Things at the store are pretty…messy. I’ve got a lot of work to do on it (such as perfecting the administrative processes, sandpapering rust, painting stuff and arranging things)…as well as decorate the whole thing. I’m so excited over it, but there doesn’t seem to be enough time for me to do what I need to do to make it into a top-flight store! This entry’s as fragmented as my recent thought process. Now I’m off to do my report….toodles..
I’m now sitting on my bed - lying down, actually - while typing this out on my new htc snap i got two days ago. I’m still fnding my way around the device, but i worry i’ve chalked up a mean data charge!
I notice there’s blood in my phlegm. Or is it the colour from the jelly or Ensure Plus I consumed earlier?
Went out with Levon on friday. We watched Tokyo Sonata at the Picturehouse. It was good…draggy at parts but a heartfelt and well-shot movie overall. We had Indonesian food after that, and walked to his future school (SMU)…but not before we nearly barged into some private event that was being held at the national museum! An executive beckoned us out and told us the museum was closed. I tried to diffuse the embarrassment by saying, “Oh, are there any exhibits that are open for us to view?” I swear, I’m the epitome of LAME!
Lush 99.5’s coursing through my system now. I really love that channel sometimes…
Went to Eron’s place yesterday, where we danced in drag and had fun talking! I snacked like a bitch… Then it was off to jeff’s birthday gathering at this jazz bar called ‘Bar None’. Was shamelessly late because Eron attempted to get his paws on a Snap (which he had to give up as he still has outstanding bills). I wanted to be cheeky, so I asked the waiter, “Can I have Sex on the Beach?” He paused for a bit, I smiled like a demented fool, and he scuttled off to get the potent concoction. I totally dig puns!
The party was interesting, to say the least, and the cake was PHENOMENAL! I was surprised to learn that it was hand-made. It looked like Christmas and tasted so wonderful, I swear I was in high heaven. Well done, Kel and Yi Wei!
Then it was off to meet Eron again. He brought me to this hard rock bar and we shared a jug of beer and a small basket of spring rolls. It was an amusing experience. I felt out of place, but I’m glad I went! Took a taxi home after hat, from outside the city’s red-light haunt, Orchard Towers.
Sigh everyone at home’s telling me to go have lunch now, even though they kept stuffing things down my throat the whole morning!
Met up with W at Downtwn East on Thursday. I guess sex has become a chore to me? There was no high when I broke my one-year ‘Ramadan’!
Slept through lunch and had dinner (4 slices pizza, 1 piece deep-fried chicken, fish curry). I can’t get the nagging voices off my head.
Till laters!
Sujith
Blimey, I left my phone on the bus back to camp, but thankfully some army dude, who’s mutual friends with one of the contacts on my phone, found it and passed it over to him.
Psychotherapy with Evelyn went well today. I was planning to ask her for a hug, but I realised she’d probably have to follow some “detachment” protocol, so I just sat on the couch, removed my boots, crossed my legs and hugged the pillows. I think she’s great at what she does.
I love June, the dietitian, too. She was very encouraging and didn’t put me down. Talking to her was a hoot… I told her I’m surrendering to whatever the team wants me to do and told her not to be surprised if I put on 15kg in 3 weeks.
Said hi to Sarah (like FINALLY!), QY (briefly held her hand) and Ryan (spanked him over a comment he made!)
And oh, was eying this hottie (a patient too, I think)…SAUCY, CAN?
Went back to camp after my medical appointments. Was bad from start to finish. As I was leaving camp, this beng (gangster) hollered: “Eh! Buy me pack of cigarrette”. I stared at him, said “get it yourself”, and he said he couldn’t since he has to stay in camp. I continued staring at him and said, “Er…” and he said: “Haiya nevermind. This time you never help, nevermind”. I was relieved, and walked towards the stairs with A, who asked for my company for dinner. Then the beng and his gang of merry men started walking in my direction some distance away, and shouted: “Eh, Sujith, you good”. I paused, looked at them, rolled my eyes and began walking down the stairs. Then he said the same thing again, and I was like, “Thanks?”, and he said something which made me feel so terrible. He said: “Good, now can see your true colours”. Like, what?! Just because I didn’t have the spare cash to throw on his ciggs, especially since my supplements take up more than half my monthly allowance?
A told me not to give in to their requests. Apparently they had a pretty rubbish reputation. But seriously, it’s getting to me, so I think I’ll speak to my officers before I do something rash. Perhaps I’ll write an e-mail to them or something.
Time for some sauce!!! This other army guy kept staring at my crotch area on the train, so I stared back too! *Wink!* I’m FILTHY, bitches!
Dear diary,
You’d think that after jerking off I’d feel better, but I don’t.
What happened in the morning totally ruined my day.
Went to SGH for too see the specialist and the therapist, only to find out someone cancelled my latter appointment and shifted it to tomorrow. Ended up just seeing Dr Lee, which was a disaster. By the time I came out of her clinic, I felt so bad I messaged Kimber and QY. Was thinking of OD-ing on Fluoxetine (a.k.a placebo drug) but decided against it. Ended up stuffing horrid-tasting buns into my mouth, and washed it all down with 1 packet of sickly-sweet, Peach-flavoured Resource Breeze. Slept like a fucking pig in the ammo store. (Interesting how I’m surrounded by ammunition though I pose a risk to myself, but I’m far too grateful for my commanders’ trust that I shan’t act on whims).I really, really hope Kimber will get better soon…she really deserves so much more. She’s one of the rare few who don’t judge, who listen, and who understand (without needing to say “I understand).
I can’t help but feel that everyone’s angry with me (though I’m certain they’re not). This paranoia’s just getting to me. Bah! Am tired… hopefully tomorrow would be kinder.
I’ll be writing in my good ol’ Wordpress journal from time to time, since it gives me the choice to password-protect some of my posts. I’ve got no idea who prowls through my thoughts…
Mahen’s going enlist tomorrow! I’m so excited for him, hahaha! :)
And Eron wants me to say: “Cum is thicker than blood!” - Looks like someone’s channeling his inner Chris Crocker.
—
Warmest,
Sujith
The weekend was wonderful!
On Saturday, I met Eron and went to watch his friend’s performance at NAFA one more time. The performance was brilliant, and I fell in love with the characters - all played by the guy himself. Was looking forward to dinner with him and Eron but he understandably had plans with his drama lecturers and fellow thespians.
Eron and I then went to Arab Street and got high on shisha (also called ‘Hookah’). We smoked for four hours and I got so wonky I called up a few friends - Daphne, Daryll (spoke to his two sisters as well and stupidly told one of them that she had a nice ass), Sumiko, Nikki and Alingator. It was all totally random… but the conversations were heartfelt. Wanted to phone Chrystal too, but she’s all the way in Australia… I miss her, too. Eron and I did so many crazy things…I’m going to miss spending time with him once he gets his ass into the army! He kept worrying about how his “package” was visible to everyone because he was wearing tight boxers under his jeans, which betrayed the contours of his…erm…”parts”. :p Food that day was good - Lebanese dessert, Kebab, potato wedges, coke light, fried brownie + ice cream.
And I finally managed to get my mittens on a mooncake (was desperate)…went to Takashimaya with Sumiko yesterday after we met Daryll for lunch! We then walked around town (went shopping, fell in love the Ion Orchard’s toilets, had fun shitting to the music in Orchard Central, and watched The September Issue - a documentary about Anna Wintour and the behind-the-scenes goss of the year’s biggest Vogue issue.
Sumiko and I posed like crazy in the train back home…it was mad fun! We decided to be fashionistas, and froze into poses after she said “1, 2, 3..POSE!”. I find that I’m myself around her, and she’s someone I can trust. We almost always end up feeling the same way about things!
Unfortunately, couldn’t manage to see Levon this week…hopefully I’ll get to see him real soon! We’re so fated for each other - we share the same birthday!
Breakfast today was 1 dessertspoon organic muesli, snack was 1 can Grape + Aloe Vera drink, lunch was 1 can Polka Cappuccino, dinner was 3 slices pandan bread (had to finish it since it expired two days ago) with tzatziki sauce, 1 nougat, 2 pieces mango, 1/2 bottle Nescafe Macchiato.
Volunteered to do more duties at work today, but I’m not allowed to do 24-hour shifts! So I’m making do with 1/2-day duties…at least it’s something. I feel really bad about not pulling my weight in the department and feel quite useless…hopefully this feeling would change.
Anyhoos, I had better go sleep now. Am already yawning…
Love,
Sujith
I’m still feeling bad about snapping at mom for touching my arm the other day, after support group.
Came home past midnight after dinner with Anne-May, Carine, Kelvin, Linda, Malcolm, Marcus, Michelle and Wei Jie yesterday. We went to Astons at Suntec City. I had grilled salmon with “tasty rice” and “pasta salad”. It was okay, I guess. The company was wonderful, and I’m thankful to Carine for planning it all. When I returned, mom kept asking, again, if I wanted to eat and asked for specific details of what I ate. Everything has become so food-based, it’s rather…grating, to be honest. By the way, yesterday’s breakfast was three tablespoons of Muesli, and lunch was 2 kaya sandwiches, 1 can of vitamin C apple drink, and 1 char siew bao.
Woke up this morning, downed breakfast (2 slices Pandan bread, some curry, 1 Bratwurst sausage, some shavings of Dutch Edam cheese, 1/3 cup Muesli, 1 nougat), snack (1 Quacker granola bar) and saw that Ms Koh (my print journalism lecturer back in school) had sent an e-mail commenting on how I’m now “much thinner”. I felt glad yet guilty - guilty because I’m now actually quite meaty, i.e. my tummy’s bloated/distended, my uniform’s very tight-fitting and my bones can no longer be seen. My body’s now quite warm and I get sweaty rather easily. I’m not comfortable with these changes… I’m quite envious of some of the army guys who’re naturally thinner than I am… It’s all quite triggering.
I’m getting more excited about work! I want to be the most efficient storeman there ever was and provide quality service of which the battalion can be proud. Asked my Staff Sergeant if I should apply to the Music and Drama Company. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “There’re lots of gays you know?” (he’s homophobic, understandably). I just smiled, and then he said that I should have some talent before going in, to which I replied saying that I’ve been a part of award-winning plays before (totally glossed over the fact that I played bit parts in a couple of them, haha!) But I don’t think I’ll audition though…. perhaps I can use my free time in the stores to study or something. I don’t have the heart to let my warrant officer down. By the way, we had a conversation on Friday where he opened up about his language inadequacies and asked what he could do to improve. He really looks after us like his own children.
Ah wells. Till laters! Looking forward to catch The September Issue later! :D
*hugs*,
Sujith
As I write this, there’s an unpleasant ache on my left eye/ear/temple. Perhaps it’s the work of my earphones!
Anyway, my day was rather….strange. Mom came for support group and I didn’t join in because I really dreaded behaving like I did in the day programme. Was rather…scared, I guess? I’m not used to talking about my issues to anyone, and I guess I tend not to share for fear of getting things thrown back at my face…even though I’m fully aware that the people in the programme are honestly quite special. Something I’ve got to work on… I’ll probably come in next month!
It was really, really nice seeing QY (whom I playfully “scolded” for not replying my messages TWICE!), E (who seemed amused that I was in army gear) and Ry (who “boo-ed” me from behind, prompting me to slap his chest in reflex!). Evelyn, Dr Lee and the tudung-clad lady were all super nice and comforting. Wanted to give QY a hug, but couldn’t do it in front of all those people…it would seem inappropriate, no? And mom would ask questions…
Felt like a bitch when I snapped at mom for feeling my arm. I guess she was concerned…but it really is uncomfortable when someone constantly feels you up (not THAT way!) and keeps asking if my weight has risen ad nauseum…
She said stuff like, “I don’t know what rubbish you tell your doctor”, “You’re doing this on purpose”, “You don’t eat, I don’t eat. I also want to be like you”, etc. I told her that we normally do things on purpose, just like how dad chooses to eat non-starchy rice instead of regular rice, and expressed my surprise at the last statement. Then she asked why I’m suddenly refusing to eat chocolate and fast food… I just said it was all so unhealthy. And she banned me from going vegetarian. I guess it must be hard for her and I feel so bad for putting her through this… but it’s not as if I find this whole thing a Vladnik carnival myself.
Yesterday was interesting! Went out for the first time with my army friends. We went to Botak Jones - this American-themed chain restaurant located in hawker centres across the island - and had fun! I ordered a Mini-me Cajun Burger and the Stuffed Jalapenos (ooh la la!). Felt really bloated after that. KS and MP truly are entertaining…especially when they fight! :p
Then it was off to meet Eron, his sis and his friend to catch an acquaintance’s performance. It was really, really good! I truly loved the whimsical nature of his play, and the script was amazing. I was crazy and was yakking away to the poor people all the way there, and out. Was silent during the performance, though… I’m a good boy!
By the way, my writing is totally going down the drain. Cringed when I read my last entry…language is all over the place, with no style whatsoever!
Work-wise…I’ve got nothing much to say, except that I’m going brain-dead. Ah wells.
Breakfast: A handful of muesli
Lunch: 1 green apple
Dinner: 3 deep-fried luncheon meat sandwiches
Snack: 1 coke light
Love,
Sujith
Bwrrr!
I’m so tired… today wasn’t a very…pleasant day.
Dreamt of JS before waking up (for the umteenth time this morning…I keep waking up repeatedly!). We were together, talking, whispering, cuddling, taking it all in… Woke up feeling low and wondered why I was still thinking such thoughts six bloody years on…
Then I went to finish up some work at the signals store, and had a brief orientation of the drill ammo store. It’s all so mind-numbingly boring and frustrating that I felt agitated. But I guess there’re not many people who actually enjoy their vocations…which is one reason I didn’t object to my posting even though my medical status doesn’t meet the minimum requirements for the vocation. Plus, everyone’s really nice, and I don’t have the heart to let my commanders down.
Thought of auditioning for the Music and Drama Company, but the audition period’s over, and I’m not “physically fit” (which is a requirement).
When I was on my way home, I waited for three trains till I couldn’t stand it anymore and just left to take a taxi, which cost more than $12! Now my bank account’s parched.
Have decided to stay in camp on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday since the following days are early-assembly days, because of the thrice-weekly morning runs in which I cannot take part. I will, of course, continue to run on Monday and Wednesday evenings, and/or before dawn on the rest of the days.
Dinner was a block of Dutch Edam cheese, a German Bratwurst sausage, 2 slices of Gardenia Banana bread, 1 serve rice, 1 serve vegetables, some curry, and 1 Ensure Plus. Pretty substantial.
Alright then, I’m off…till laters!
Hugs,
Sujith
It’s a Sunday, and I’m ambivalent about booking in.
I don’t have to (since I’m not required to stay in camp anymore), but it seems like the right thing to do. It would really suck if I was late for work tomorrow, and I’d rather not take any chances.
It’s been a year since I’ve gotten laid, and honestly I’m quite proud of myself. This year has been rather interesting, loads of drama etc., and I’m happy I didn’t resort to sleeping around to numb myself or give myself some worth. That’s not to say I never felt the urge to have a good shag (sometimes I exclaim, “DAYUM, I need to get laid!!”), but I no longer see the point behind all that fornication.
Evelyn seemed quite surprised when I told her that since 2004 I never saw the need of relationships, though there were a couple of propositions (which were so painful for me to decline since I hated hurting their feelings and sent one to clinical depression). The closest I’ve had to one since then was my three-month “Winter Fling” with this Japanese person. I guess I don’t quite see the point of it all - why put yourself through the hurt, mind-games, etc.? And relationships tend not to last, and sap so much energy. Even so, I’m surprised I haven’t really felt for anyone for close to 6 years, barring the short confused phase I went through over JNP last year.
I’m bringing this up again because I’ve been quizzed about my view on this, hahaha.
Anyway, just spoke to QY over MSN just now… I really, really hope tomorrow would be a good day for her…and if it’s not, I hope it’ll at least be a calm and undramatic week. She really deserves so much better.
And am not looking forward to the next week…though I guess I don’t have much of a choice. But I get to finally be near the track…3am runs, anyone? Would feel damn shiok!
They think they have you all figured out, every crevice of your mind, every ounce of your soul. Your passions, your dislikes, your moods. Your personality - who you are, who you arn’t, what you are capable of, what you suck at…but they fail to see the true meaning of your spirit.
Here’s wishing you a good week! :)
Love,Me.
